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Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #20 on: 02 May 2011, 09:11: PM »
Not a joke as such but I found it funny. Taken from The Registers BOFH:

Quote
"It's slow again" the Boss pronounces, back once more.

"What's slow again >clickety<?" the PFY asks.

"The internet, it's atrocious - and I've tried lots of sites."

"Not the Leather Nun porn sites again I hope" I blurt.

"THAT WASN'T ME, I KEEP TELLING YOU! SOMEONE MUST HAVE BEEN USING MY MACHINE!"

"Your honour" the PFY adds.

I cannot BEGIN to outline the HOURS of enjoyment you can have with a simple wireless keyboard and mouse and a dongle plugged into the back of the Boss’ desktop. I heartily recommend it.

At first it was just moving the mouse around and activating background windows when the Boss was typing but after a while that got a bit tame – till the PFY slapped a surreptitious webcam in the Boss’ office and cranked up the keyboard.

After that the Boss was scared to turn away from his monitor for fear of turning back to find some weird and gritty eastern European porn site up on the display – seconds before the PFY or I would stroll in with some work-related question.

Then there were the several email memos to the department with the last minute subject line changed to “I’m a horsefucker”.
;D
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Offline damien c

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #21 on: 09 May 2011, 07:47: AM »
TWO OF THE BEST COME BACK RESPONSES


Number 1:
We Know He Is A Sharp Policeman!



If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.  He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A :  'No sir.  But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q:  'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A : 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q:  ' A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.  Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A : 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life?  Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A :  'Yes sir, we do!'

Q:  ' A nd do you have a locker in the room?'

A :  'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q:  ' A nd do you have a lock on your locker?'

A :   'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A :  'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. 

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line --  and we think he'll win.














Number 2:
Now We Know Why He Was a General!




General Norman Schwarzkopf

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for  forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on A merica.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I  believe that forgiving them is God's function .... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."










You got to love them both!




Offline damien c

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #22 on: 09 May 2011, 07:47: AM »
Last 10 pence
 
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.
 
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....
  The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on
the back..

 
The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
 
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit
is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly
folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes
her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

 
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the
boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever
so firmly.. Tighter and tighter !

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
  Coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free
hand.

 
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks
back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

 
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
 
 
'No,' the woman replied.
I'm with the Inland Revenue..'


 

 
 



Offline damien c

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #23 on: 09 May 2011, 07:48: AM »
Check for Alzheimer's - Pretty Amazing

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.  Take your time and see if you can read
each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 50 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down, and .... I bet you cannot resist passing it on .
 

 
 

 
 

 

Offline Bill C

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I am changing my ways, hard work and knowledge just does not work
« Reply #24 on: 16 May 2011, 08:15: AM »
This comes from 2 maths teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have
all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:


If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its
the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
 
 
Now I know why some people are where they are!
« Last Edit: 16 May 2011, 08:17: AM by Bill C »


If Infantry is the Queen of Battle, then armour is the chastity belt that keeps the bitch from getting raped !

Offline damien c

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #25 on: 24 May 2011, 09:54: AM »
The following is an actual question given on a McGill University chemistry mid-term Exam paper:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyles Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that most people and their souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyles Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities.

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Celine LeBlanc during my Freshman year - that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you" - and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A!


Offline Scary

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #26 on: 02 June 2011, 09:19: AM »
i told a girl that my penis is like my old computer, she said a bet its large has a lot of RAM and a big hard drive behind it. i said no its full of viruses and its never been cleaned, she left.

i currently have an OS which is exactly 14 times better than windows 7 its called windows 98.

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #27 on: 07 June 2011, 01:53: PM »
I've just received an email from a bloke who claims he can read maps backwards.



Looks like spam to me.
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #28 on: 07 June 2011, 03:43: PM »
Oh god......... :-\ ;D
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...

Offline damien c

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #29 on: 10 June 2011, 08:59: AM »
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from"Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.


 ;D :D

Offline Dutchie

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #30 on: 10 June 2011, 11:23: PM »
nicked from facebook....


THE CHAVS PRAYER,... Our boyfriend who art in prison, even Mum knows not dads name, thy chavdom come, you'll read The Sun, in Stanhope which is in Ashford, give us this day our Welfare bread and forgive us our ASBO's as we happy slap those who got ASBO's against us, lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the Chavdom, the Burberry and the Bacardi, forever and ever... Innit!

Offline damien c

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #31 on: 15 July 2011, 03:35: PM »
HOW TO POO AT WORK
For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not In your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check For other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a Poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This Is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just Stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often See an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or Magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing Goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least Expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to Force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you Are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert Potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that You are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This Is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, Create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE
A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend Extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

Offline Bill C

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #32 on: 18 July 2011, 11:21: AM »
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and
he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker
if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book,
replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

" Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is
no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled
smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that
is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified
to discuss why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after
death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.
 



If Infantry is the Queen of Battle, then armour is the chastity belt that keeps the bitch from getting raped !

Offline zingle

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #33 on: 18 July 2011, 11:37: AM »
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and
he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker
if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book,
replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

" Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is
no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled
smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that
is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified
to discuss why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after
death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

brilliant lol

Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #34 on: 23 July 2011, 07:36: PM »
Not a joke but I still pmsl:
Quote
Universal Call of Duty: Black Ops ProGaming Glasses ... When there is no time to blink, you need performance optics. The Call of Duty: Black Ops ProGaming Glasses enhance the visual experience for the most demanding gamers. Whether playing on console or PC, GUNNAR advanced gaming eyewear improves your overall gaming experience and delivers the optical clarity required to focus on mission-critical objectives.

 link  ;D
« Last Edit: 23 July 2011, 07:38: PM by Ramrod »
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #35 on: 23 July 2011, 10:26: PM »
Somebody has seriously made those, and more to the point they expect people to buy them :wtf:
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Offline Bill C

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #36 on: 24 July 2011, 07:53: AM »
Somebody has seriously made those, and more to the point they expect people to buy them :wtf:

Mgp idiots WILL buy them  :o


If Infantry is the Queen of Battle, then armour is the chastity belt that keeps the bitch from getting raped !

Offline Dutchie

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #37 on: 11 August 2011, 09:15: PM »
I was watching T.V last night and an advert came on featuring an African baby all covered in flies! I phoned the number on the screen straight away to get one! Looks like it works far better than those sticky strips that i usually hang from the ceiling!

Offline MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #38 on: 20 August 2011, 08:39: PM »
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.

"Yes," replied the murderer.


"Will you hold my hand?"



A crate load of Viagra has been stolen from a distribution depot


Police are looking for hardened criminals.



A women was found in her home in her bath tub surrounded by milk and a spoon.


Police suspect a cereal killer.



Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
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Offline Scary

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #39 on: 23 August 2011, 06:56: PM »
After making sweet love to Yoda he turned to me and said "Big is you!"

"Fuck off", I said. "I don't buy magazines from foreigners".