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Online MovedGoalPosts

  • Kannon Fodda
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #40 on: 23 August 2011, 07:34: PM »
I'm sure there are rules about bonking aliens :P
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı

Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #41 on: 25 August 2011, 10:46: PM »
I'm sure there are rules about bonking aliens :P
yep.......if she has more than three breasts then best leave her alone :rofl:
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...

Offline madonion_uk

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #42 on: 26 August 2011, 06:18: PM »
the best jokes at Edinburgh Fringe this year:

1. Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2. Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3. Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4. Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5. Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6. Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7. Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

8. Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9. Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10. DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."
Better to be a minute late in this world than a minute early in the next....

Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #43 on: 02 September 2011, 11:27: PM »
Beer and Ice Cream Diet
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized. Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal. This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.

Happy eating!

School of Physics, University of Sydney
link ;D
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Offline Bill C

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #44 on: 03 September 2011, 01:28: PM »
Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on, the first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded." the second surgeon says, "No, Librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order" the third surgeon shut them up when he said: "You're all wrong, politicians are the easiest to operate on, there's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable


If Infantry is the Queen of Battle, then armour is the chastity belt that keeps the bitch from getting raped !

Offline IMPz

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #45 on: 08 September 2011, 07:50: PM »
I've seen some of the comments before enjoy, the link will take you to the plane new livery

http://blog.flightstory.net/1472/kulula-air-with-new-funny-livery/

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously.

WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.


Kulula is an Airline with head office situated inJohannesburg.  Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety
lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

---o0o--

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

---o0o---

From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth.  To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."

---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

---o0o---

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

----o0o---

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

---o0o---




"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

---o0o—

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landingin Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

---o0o—

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

---o0o—

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

---o0o—

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.





Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

---o0o—

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."

---o0o—

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today... And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

---o0o—

Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing... If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."


IMPz (with thanks to Mrs IMPz)

Offline damien c

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #46 on: 22 September 2011, 09:09: AM »
Smart Arse Answers

SMART ARSE ANSWER 5
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked. 
"Yes or no," she replied.




SMART ARSE ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. 
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."




SMART ARSE ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said. 
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could." 
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.




SMART ARSE ANSWER 2
A truck driver was driving along on a country road.  A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles.  Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"









SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A teacher at West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.  I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.



When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,


  "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."



 :D :D :D :D

Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #47 on: 30 September 2011, 06:55: PM »
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...

Offline Stu038

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #48 on: 02 October 2011, 10:34: AM »
Bless him :rofl:
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."

Offline damien c

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #49 on: 03 October 2011, 10:49: AM »
The Man Rules 
>> 
>>At last a guy has taken the time to write this  all down.   
>> 
>> Finally,the guys' side of the  story.
>>(Imust admit, it's pretty good.)
>>We
   always hear 'the rules'
>>From the female  side. 
>> 
>> Now here are the rules from the male  side.   
>>
>>These are our  rules!
>>Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
>>ON  PURPOSE! 
>> 
>>1.   Men  are NOT mind readers.
>>
>>1. Learn to work the toilet  seat.
>>You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
>>We
   need it up, you need it down.
>>You don't hear us complaining about you
   leaving it down.
>>
>>1. Saturday sports It's like the full moon
>>or
   the changing of the tides.
>>Let it be.
>>
>>1. Crying is
   blackmail.
>>
>>1. Ask for what you want.
>>Let us be clear on this one:
>>Subtle hints do not work!
>>Strong hints do not work!
>>Obvious hints
   do not work!
>>Just say it!
>>
>>1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable
   answers to almost every question.
>>
>>1. Come to us with a
   problemonlyif you want help solving it. 
>>That's what we do.
>>Sympathy is what your
   girlfriends are for.
>>
>>
>>1. Anything we said 6 months ago is
   inadmissible in an argument.
>>In fact, all comments become Null and void
   after 7 Days.
>>
>>
>>1. If you think you're fat, you probably
   are.
>>Don't ask us.
>>
>>1. If something we said can be interpreted two
   ways and one of 
>>the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant  theother  one
>>
>>1. You can
   either ask us to do something
>>Or tell us how you want it done.  Not
   both.
>>If you already know best how to do it, just do it
   yourself.
>>
>>1.. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say
   during commercials. 
>>
>>1. ALL men see in only 16
   colors, like Windows default settings.
>>Peach, for example, is a fruit,
   not A color.. Pumpkin is also a  fruit. We have noidea what mauve is.
>>
>>1. If it itches,
   it willbe scratched. We do that.
>>
>>1. If we
   ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' 
>>We will act like nothing's wrong.
>>We
   know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..
>>
>>1. If you
   ask a question you don't want an answer to, 
>>Expect an answer you don't want to  hear.
>>
>>1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
   is fine... Really.
>>
>>1. Don't ask us what we're thinking
   about unless you are 
>>prepared to discuss such topics  as RUGBY or  GOLF.
>>
>>1. You have
   enough clothes.
>>
>>1. You have too many shoes.
>>
>>1. I am in
   shape.       Round IS a  shape!
>>
>>1. Thank you for reading this.
>>Yes, I know, I have to sleep
   on the couch tonight;
>>
>>
>>But did you know  men really don't mind that? It's like camping.










"Tickle Me Elmo" :

There
is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the "Tickle Me Elmo" toys. 
The toy
laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The "Tickle Me Elmo" factory and she
reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am
there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws 
open the door and
begins to rant about the new employee.

He
complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting
the entire 
production line behind schedule.


 
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the
2 men march 
down to
the factory floor.  When they get there the line is so backed up that there
are 
"Tickle
Me Elmo's" all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At
the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of"Tickle
MeElmo's".
 
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of
small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of
fabric, wraps it around two 
marbles
and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo 's
legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into
laughter.  After several minutes of hysterics he
pulls
 himself
together and approaches Lena .....................

'I'm sorry,' he says to her,
barely able to keep a straight face, 
'but I think you
misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.




Subject :-THREE ITALIAN NUNS.
 
Three Italian nuns die and go to Heaven.   At the Pearly
Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says, "Sisters, all three of you have led such wonderful lives on Earth
that I am 
granting you to go back to Earth for six months and be anyone you
want to be".

The first nun said "I want to be Sophia Loren" and 'whoosh', she'd
gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and 'whoosh', she'd gone.

The third nun said "I want to be Sara Pipalini".

St. Peter looked perplexed.  "Who", he asked.

Sara Pipalini, repeated the nun.

St. Peter shook his head and says I'm sorry but I don't know that
person..

The nun then took out a newspaper out of her habit and handed it to
St. Peter.
She pointed out a story to him and he burst out laughing.  He handed
the paper back.
He said "No Sister",  "I'm very sorry to disappoint you but the paper
says
it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was  laid by 1,400 men in six
months.




>>>>A   mature lady gets pulled over for   speeding...   
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Older
                                Woman:   Is there a problem,  Officer?
>>>>Traffic
                               Cop:  Yes ma'am, I'm  afraid you were speeding.
>>>>
>>>>Older
                                Woman:  Oh, I see.
>>>>Traffic  Cop:   Can I see your license please?
>>>>
>>>>Older
                                Woman:  Well, I would give it  to you but I don't have one.   
>>>>
>>>>Traffic
                               Cop:   Don't have one?
>>>>
>>>>Older
                                Woman:  No. I lost it 4 ye ars  ago for drunk driving.   
>>>>
>>>>Traffic
                               Cop:   I see...Can I see your vehicle  registration papers please.   
>>>>
>>>>Older
                                Woman:   I can't do that.
>>>>
>>>>Traffic
                               Cop:   Why not?
>>>>
>>>>Older
                                Woman:   I stole this car.
>>>>
>>>>Traffic
                               Cop:   Stole it?
>>>>
>>>>Older
                                Woman:   Yes, and I killed and  hacked up the  owner.
>>>>
>>>>Traffic
                               Cop:   You what!?
>>>>
>>>>Older
                                Woman:   His body parts are in  plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see   
>>>>
>>>>The traffic cop looks at
                               the woman and slowly backs away to his car while
                               calling for back up.  Within minutes 5
                               police cars circle the car. A senior officer
                                slowly approaches the car, clasping his
                               half drawn gun. 
>>>>
>>>>Officer   2:   Ma'am, could you step  out of your vehicle   please!
>>>>The   woman steps out of her vehicle.   
>>>>
>>>>Older
                                woman:   Is there a problem  sir?
>>>>
>>>>Officer   2:  My colleague here  tells me that you have stolen this car and   murdered the owner.
>>>>
>>>>Older
                                Woman:   Murdered the owner?  Are you  serious?!
>>>>
>>>>Officer   2:  Yes, could you please  open the trunk of your car,   please.
>>>>
>>>>The
                                woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing
                               but an empty
                                trunk.
>>>>
>>>>Officer   2:   Is this your car,  ma'am?
>>>>
>>>>Older
                                Woman:   Yes, here are the  registration papers.
>>>>The traffic cop  is quite  stunned.
>>>>
>>>>Officer   2:   My colleague claims  that you do not have a driving license.   
>>>>
>>>>The woman digs into her
                               handbag and pulls out a clutch  purse and
                               hands it to the officer.
>>>>
>>>>The officer
                               examines the  license quizzically.
                               
>>>>
>>>>Officer   2:   Thank you ma'am, but I  am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here  that you didn't have a  license, that you  stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked  up the owner!
>>>>
>>>>Older
                                Woman:   Bet the lying bastard  told you I was speeding,   too.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Don't
                                Mess With Mature Ladies





Offline damien c

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #50 on: 10 October 2011, 09:25: AM »
Not a joke but still funny  :D .

This letter was sent to the Kirkcaldy High School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today.







Dear Kirkcaldy High School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Raith home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,
Isa.                    

Offline bopdude

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #51 on: 10 October 2011, 01:51: PM »
LOL, the true stories are quit often funnier than the made up jokes

Offline damien c

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #52 on: 24 October 2011, 09:46: AM »
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know to say one thing'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment......

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying..

Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away Frank, Our prayers have been answered!
ID001 



Offline damien c

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #53 on: 24 October 2011, 09:48: AM »
For all Who Work With Rude Customers, isn't it a shame WE can't actually do this!

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in   Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied,"I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too." 
 
 
IF Only

Offline Bill C

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #54 on: 25 October 2011, 08:52: AM »
>> Last  night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle  of Tippex.
>>I  woke this morning with a huge correction.
>> 
>>My  girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group  The Monkees.
>>I  thought she was joking ........  then I saw her  face
>> 
>>My  budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of  Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to  walk
 .
>>Women  should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your  bloody tee ready!
>> 
>>Last  night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice  from the kitchen, 
>>'What  would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or  lamb?'
>>I  said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
>>She  replied, 'You're having soup you fat slob, I was talking to the  cat!'
>>
>>I was  sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. 
>>I  looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for  starters!'
>> 
>>Yoko  Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out  of here!'
>>Show bosses  think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for  the last thirty years. 


If Infantry is the Queen of Battle, then armour is the chastity belt that keeps the bitch from getting raped !

Offline Squeak

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #55 on: 25 October 2011, 11:07: AM »
Whats Black and sit at the top of stairs?

Stephen Hawkins in a house fire

Offline damien c

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #56 on: 04 November 2011, 01:17: PM »
BLACKBURN HURRICANE APPEAL

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shadza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Blackburn in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Mill Hill . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Blackpool and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Radio Lancashire reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Blackburn. One Blackburn resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning." Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of Aldi baked beans
Ice cream
Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut..

"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Darwen" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Blackburn - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #57 on: 08 January 2012, 03:42: PM »
Gaddafi, Bin Laden and Kim Jong Il have all died this year.

Maybe Team America does exist...  :D
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...

Offline Ramrod

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #58 on: 08 January 2012, 03:43: PM »
"Ladies and gents."

That concludes our tour of the toilets.  :D
Step by step, walk the thousand mile road...

Online MovedGoalPosts

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #59 on: 20 January 2012, 04:45: PM »
Paddy and Murphy are standing on the deck of a certain sinking cruise liner.

Paddy says to Murphy "It's awfully quiet"

Murphy replies "I think everyone must be listening to the band"

Paddy retorts "What band, I can't hear any music"

Murphy says "I distinctly heard them say 'a band on ship'"

:erm:
uıɐbɐ ʎɐqǝ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ buıʎnq ɹǝʌǝu ɯ,ı