The Joke Thread

[Scary Paul]

THIS PROVES AMERICANS ARE STUPID

AMERICAN LAWS


Alabama:

1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. [Thanks to Tiffany Dozier]
2. It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. [Thanks to Tiffany Dozier]
3. Putting salt on a railway track may be punishable by death. [Thanks to Tiffany Dozier]
4. Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. [Thanks to Tiffany Dozier]
5. You cannot chain your alligator to a fire hydrant. [Thanks to Ben Chastain]
6. Peanuts are not allowed to be sold in Lee County, Alabama after sunset on Wednesdays. [Thanks to an anonymous contributor]
7. You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time. [Thanks to an anonymous contributor]
8. It is legal to drive the wrong way on a one way street if you have a lantern on the front of your car. [Thanks to an anonymous contributor]

Alaska:

1. You can't look at a moose from an aeroplane. [Thanks to Dave Knott]
2. Kangaroos are not allowed in barber shops at any time. [Thanks to an anonymous contributor]
3. Even though it is legal to hunt a bear, it is illegal to wake a bear and take a picture for photo opportunities. [Thanks to Kyle Brown]
4. It is an offence to push a live moose out of a moving aeroplane. [Thanks to Susan Goodgine]
5. It is State Policy that all emergencies are held to a minimum. [Thanks to Susan Goodgine]

Arkansas:

1. It is illegal to mispronounce Arkansas while in Arkansas [Thanks to Aaron Parmet for that one]

California:

1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
2. It is illegal to eat an orange in your bath tub [Thanks to Meagin Caza for that one]
3. Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. [Thanks to Caleb Hicks]
4. A city ordinance states that a $500 fine will be given to anyone who detonates a nuclear device within city limits. [Thanks to Caleb Hicks]

Colorado:

1. It is illegal for a woman wearing a red dress to be out on the streets after 7 p.m. [Thanks to Molly Lane]
2. It is illegal to let your cat run loose in Denver unless it has a taillight. [Thanks to Krystal Stephens]
3. A dogcatcher must notify the dog, three days before they capture them, of their intentions. (I think that's also Denver) [Thanks to Krystal Stephens]
4. It is illegal to drive a black car on Sunday in Denver. [Thanks to Krystal Stephens]

Connecticut:

1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
3. A pickle is not officially a pickle unless it bounces [Thanks to an anonymous sender at Emaloo5489@aol.com for that one]

Florida:

1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
4. (SARASOTA) It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
6. In Miami, it is forbidden to imitate an animal. [Thanks to Dave Knott]
7. It is illegal to fart in a public place after 6:00pm on a Thursday. [Thanks to John Andrews]
8. It is illegal to have sexual intercourse with a porcupine. [Thanks to Allison Neely]
9. It is illegal for a woman to bungie jump naked on Sunday before midday. [Thanks to Danny Giffen]
10. In Miami it is illegal to park your elephant on 8th Street on Sundays after 1pm. [Thanks to Diana E. Lopez]
11. It's illegal to purchase alcohol before 1pm on Sundays in the city of Coral Gables. [Thanks to Diana E. Lopez]

[Zingle]

Had a German plumber round the other day. The idiot plumbed the shower to the gas main

Old habits die hard

[QuietKnight]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "the egg timer's broken."

[MovedGoalPosts]

Must have been very soft boiled

[SnAcKaTtAcK]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:


1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pi**ed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING

[Stu038]

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad.... Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the ****er.'

[Ramrod]

I'm going to take up cage fighting...........










































.......the budgie doesn't stand a chance

[Scary Paul]

your gonna be realy f**ked when you fight the hampster in ther next round

[docdutch]

Drug cheats much better than love cheats, Capello tells England fans

<http://newsarse.com/2010/02/08/drug-...-england-fans/>

John Terry has been replaced by Rio Ferdinand as the new England captain after manager Fabio Capello explained to reporters that drugs cheats are significantly 'less bad' than love cheats.

With speculation rife over Terry's future, Ferdinand was installed as the new captain on Friday by Capello, after he took time to consider the relative merits of each potential captain within his squad.

Capello told reporters, "I had hoped to delay my decision until sleeping with Wayne Bridge's ex-girlfriend in order to form my own opinion on the severity of the offence, it is the Italian way. But she was not up for it."

"So, I am delighted for Rio, he will be an excellent England captain, and a superb role model for children who claim to be really, really forgetful of potentially incriminating appointments."

"I have always been of the opinion that dabbling with drugs is significantly better than dabbling with the mother of a team-mates child, so Rio was the logical choice."

Options

Capello was challenged on why he did not consider other leading candidates for the role from within the existing England squad.

"There were options," continued Capello, "but I felt that Rio's misdemeanours were less serious than those of the other candidates."

"Rooney is maybe one for the future, once we know his penchant for elderly prostitutes is well behind him."

"Gerrard too, if we can stop him punching people in nightclubs."

"Maybe even Frank Lampard as an outside choice if he can stop getting women pregnant and then leaving them for television personalities."

"So as you can see, the future of the England captaincy is secure for many, many years to come."

[SkyBlueHeroes]

"The Doctor has just examined me and says I have the breasts of a 20 year old"

"Oh yeah, what did he say about your 50 year old bum?"

"He didn't mention you"

[SkyBlueHeroes]

Why do elephants have trunks?

They'd look silly in bikinis.

[SkyBlueHeroes]

Two flies in an airing cupboard, which one is in the army?
The one on the tank.

Two flies on a dog turd, one farts and the other one says "Do you mind I'm having my dinner"

Two flies on Kojak's head.
One says to the other "Smile, we're on Telly".

Two flies on a toilet seat, one got pissed off.

[SkyBlueHeroes]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

[SkyBlueHeroes]

Fella walks into a brothel in Amsterdam, he tells the madame that he wants the ugliest fattest slapper with saggy tits
And a fanny like a ripped out fireplace.
She says 'you feeling kinky tonight sir'
He replies 'No I'm from Leicester and I feel homesick'

Sorry Stu.......

[SkyBlueHeroes]

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every year they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the makers, and every year they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and every year they send us a complete dick."